And just when the world seemed all too serious, a bit too heavy to handle, a little kooky comic relief from the good folks at McSweeney’s came to lighten the mood. If you’re an office warrior currently working at a standing desk, or have ever considered getting one – hey, they’re supposed to be better for you, right? – these unorthodox “beginner” yoga poses will be especially hilarious (maybe even helpful!) for you.
Here are a few of our faves from writer Harrison Scott Key – that seem to conjure up twisted visions illustrated by the late, great Shel Silverstein.
The Diseased Tree
After your first long hour at a standing desk, the body requires stability, balance, and medical attention. The tendons of the feet have begun to weaken, the legs to grow restless, the spine to quiver with ancient memories of chairs. While you work, place the sole of your left foot against the inner right thigh, toes pointing toward the floor. Your left leg will thank you, and your right leg will swear a blood oath to wipe your seed from this chair-bereft land. Hold until lunch.
The Billie Jean
By midmorning, blood has pooled in your lower legs, preventing higher-concept thinking, and you may find simple tasks difficult, such as remembering your name or where you live. To bring blood back to the head, insert your earbuds, place left hand on crotch, extend right arm toward a nearby colleague, and undulate your groin to the rhythm of the music. It is important to maintain eye contact with your partner. Hold until contacted by human resources.
The Lurking Bird
You can stand almost anywhere, including during staff meetings, where colleagues will be shamed by your brave decision. Why are you standing there? Are you upset? Do you have a gun? Nobody knows. Find a comfortable spot near a window. Hook your right foot behind your left knee. Spread your arms outward. Slowly flap them. Dream of releasing yourself from the surly bonds of gravity. After the meeting, make sure to get all the handouts.
The Go On Without Me
Similar to Corpse Pose, this restorative position is one of total relaxation at the end of a long day. Turn off your computer, lean down to pick up your briefcase or handbag, and then black out. In this state of total relaxation, all your muscles will be restored. Hold position until blood returns to the brain. Upon opening your eyes, you may find the office is dark, because it is night or you are dead. In either case, stand up slowly and walk toward the light.
Read the rest here.
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