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Poop Chakras and a Trademarked Utopia – The New Yorker Does Yoga Teacher Bios

in YD News, YogaHaha
Sorry.

Sorry.

We’ve come across some interesting yoga teacher bios in our days but these are really something of a modern yoga masterpiece in a trademarked utopia of enlightened yoga capitalism. Is it a cheeky New Yorker article or the roster for the next Wanderlust Festival? Maybe hard to tell!

Reading like a piece from The Onion, Sarah Miller’s “Yoga Teacher Bios” is hilarious if only because she’s not so far off and these bios could actually be true.

Maybe Mary-Sage Porter DID develop her SpiritTone™ system that “polishes the aura while simultaneously increasing the thigh gap” which manifested itself “in a vision after she made the painful personal decision to sneak into the employee bathroom at Bali’s famed Ubud Monkey Forest.”

Maybe we CAN finally learn the magic that brings together the Four Noble Truths with deep core work at one of Garrett Snowcorn’s four dozen CoreFourTruth™ studios.

On the eve of his seventeenth year, he committed to secluding himself in a Nepalese monastery until he could recite all Mahayana sutras in perfect Sanskrit. On the eve of his fiftieth birthday, he abandoned that quest to attend the two-hundred-hour Hatha course at Yogalicious in Austin, Texas.

Or learn from child yoga prodigy June (Junebug) Mortimer who wrote her first book report on B. K. S. Iyengar’s “Light on Yoga” which led her to “wonderful relationships and on vacations to amazing, unique places like Tulum and Bali,” and inspired her Unintensional Intension™ workshops where trusting the universe is as simple as letting it “do what it does.”

Or perhaps we all just need to lighten up and let things flow, Mini-Blessings Poop Chakra™ style:

Michael Mini-Blessings

Greetings, beautiful community! It was only after twenty years of studying that it became clear to me, a lifelong yogi, that no person, no matter how much he meditated or practiced yoga, could hope to clear any karma without first clearing the dark energy of the Poop Chakra™. My four-day workshops incorporate chanting, asana, prayer, quinoa pizza balls, and teachings from the five-thousand-year lineage of Poop Chakra™. Only when the Poop Chakra™ is cleared can we learn to see ourselves as we truly are.

Poop Chakra™ workshops are booked through December, 2016, but there is a waiting list. I am also conducting an intensive seventeen-day, four-hundred-hour training session for those wishing to become certified Poop Chakra™ workshop leaders. Go to getpoopchakra.com for details.

Sweet. Does it also come with a cleansing diet plan of prune acai berry smoothies and coffee? Ah, what the heck, it’s fun to make fun, and nobody likes a blocked colon, er…chakra. FYI, for all the true yogapreneurs out there, getpoopchakra.com is still available.

source image via safarayoga.com

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2 comments… add one

  • Big Om Daddy

    Garrett’s truly embraces the spirit of Yoga –

    “Due to a heavy travel schedule, Garrett is no longer teaching his regular classes, but he will be in the studio the last Thursday of every month for his signature Candlelight Six-Pack and Booty Bash™”

  • VQ2

    The main trope of the bios in this *funny* New Yorker article had been, to a person:

    1. I’d been overprivileged
    2. I had too much time on my hands
    3. I was seeking something
    4. I don’t actually teach yoga full time (selling real estate, or looking for another mate, or being a “yoga personality” is where I spend most of my time …)
    5. You will sweat, and you will pay up, suckas!!

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