While organizers are actively working to get yoga into the Olympic Summer Games, we thought, why wait? So we decided to not just add yoga as an individual “sport,” but mash it up with the current Winter Olympic roster to make these yoga-fied versions soon-to-be winter weather favorites.
Foga Skating: When yoga meets figure skating. Programs involve compulsory elements like twizzle-asana and salchowfacing pose as well as nonrequisites like the Camel Spin (the yoga one). Extreme Foga-ers compete completely barefoot in Iyengar bloomers and a lack of ego, earning bonus points for sustaining poses after the 30 second “freezing point.”
Cross Country Dogging: In this sport skis are worn on both hands and feet as doggers travel the frozen terrain by performing only updog to downdog the entire time. The current incarnation of the course runs the length of 108 yoga mats, though many have criticized it for being in-ahims-ane.
Yurling: Like curling except instead of using brooms, team members use their positivity and pranic energy to move and direct the stones.
Tadasana Jump: This self-explanatory sport is similar to the traditional ski jump in that it is still mysteriously judged, has nothing to do with how far you go and earns you extra “style points” for your best mid-air mountain pose.
Shantistyle: The sport for the daring and flairing. Free-form in nature, snowboarders show off their yoga skills like the Flying Lotus Flip, Reverse Frozen Warrior and Fakie Guru Flip. Rogue competitors in the past have foregone flashier tricks entirely, opting for edgy moves like the Stoic Fire Stoker (seated “breath of fire” breathing in total stillness) and the Rock Star Yogi (prematurely assuming champion status, performing “advanced” yoga poses on the podium and refusing to leave before getting forcibly removed.)
Skeletonasana: In which a brave individual lays head first in savasana shooting down an incredibly slippery slide at speeds of 80 mph+ on a small piece of steel and plastic while trying to remain relaxed and in a meditative state. Yep, pretty much like Skeleton.
Downhill Yogeling: Yogelers compete by traversing the challenging moguls course whilst chanting their best OM. A special audio system captures the vibrations and sends them out to the atmosphere so that all beings everywhere may live happy and free. Judges score on a scale from omtastic to ombelievable.
In the Winter Yoga Games, competition is metaphorical and gold malas are awarded to everyone.
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