Joke’s on us! Funny, could any of us have really thought Grand Theft Auto V‘s new interest in yoga would be genuine and sincere? Ha! For Pete’s sake, this is, thankfully, not the yoga we’re used to and it’s actually exactly what we would expect from a game all about living vicariously through fictional gangsters, thieves, miscreants and misogynists.
Which is to say, this is completely unfunny in the context of today’s concern over sexual abuse in the yoga world. But, if you know us, we can take a joke, and that’s clearly what GTA V‘s developers intended to create when they dreamed up these juvenile, oversexualized poses, which (intentionally or not) appear to be a spoof on both yoga culture and gaming culture’s perception of yoga culture at the same time.
The GTA V promo site explains the fake setting of Los Santos and Blaine County “where fake people, fake places and fake problems collide” such as Fabian, your Master Private Yoga Instructor:
San Andreas practically invented yoga. It certainly invented the time honored tradition of the relaxing coffee enema. Whether it’s the Downward Dog pose or the more advanced Dropping Fire Log, there are many fulfilling and compromising positions you can contort yourself into with the help of an expert like Master Private Yoga Instructor, Fabien LaRouche.
Right. They also released three sample partner yoga poses that are, uh, questionable to say the least. We still think it would be healthier for gamers to get up off their rumps and try these positions even if they’d still prefer to think yoga is some freaky form of public Kama Sutra.
Warning: Images may be NSFW and possibly triggering.
A special pose that is both spiritual and mental, practiced in the Far East, popularized by the Greeks. It is a pose that requires discipline to be entered slowly, or injury may occur and cause a partner to weep and never attempt the pose again.
“Downward Facing Camel”
True Namaste is achieved with this pose as the celestial spark within us is free – and the third eye opens to increase the flow of divine love.
This deeply spiritual pose frequently begins with salutations with a potential partner to see if they are interested in stretching their mind and spirits after consuming some. Often requires a safe word.