Now that Oprah has left the building, the vast chasm remaining on daytime television is being felt. Wholeheartedly. We know you are pining away, wondering who will bring your attention to life’s quandaries, like how in the world did Jennifer Aniston put those doggies on a yoga mat? While we’re still holding our dorky breath for the debut of America’s Next Top Yogini, a potential, in-the-works savior has appeared: The Real Yoga Beauties of Venice Beach (click for a shot of the real craigslist ad).
And now, please allow us to decode Hollywood casting-speak…
“CASTING – NEW Docu-series follows the hip, healthy, and fabulous lives of Westside’s most privileged yoga divas!”
(Rich, plastically-enhanced, and 1,200 calories a day only, please.)
“Do you lead a chic or bohemian lifestyle in Venice Beach/Santa Monica?”
(We hope you smell like incense, but still shave your armpits…)
“Are you a regular on the yoga mat? At Whole Foods? Exclusive house parties?”
(Guaranteed starring role if you throw an A-list party catered by Whole Foods in a multi-million dollar house by the beach where everyone picnics off yoga mats, Bikram makes a fabulously scandalous guest appearance, and MC Yogi emcees.)
“Does yoga help you balance the ups and downs of family life, career drama, and social calendar?”
(Must be an insane soccer/yoga mom hybrid who floats like a social butterfly and stings like a b*tch.)
“OR are you brand new to the whole yoga scene? And simply use yoga to stay fit?”
(We need a n00b to make fun of and inspire horrifically embarrassing montages and vignettes.)
“If you’re living or, at least, aspiring to live the California dream we want to hear from you! ALL yoga types will be considered (beginners to seasoned pros, housewives to single moms to single women, between the ages of 23-45). Most important, we’re looking for dynamic women with an abundance of personality and style!”
(Please be overflowing with drama, prana, and camera-ready. We will consider all types, but will wind up choosing women who look like Kathryn Budig and can artfully orchestrate drama a la Kyle Richards.)
Vamps, vrksasana, and vapidity aside, this could be genius if they brought in a cast of heavy-hitters (or would that be heavy-posers?). Say, perhaps, Tara Stiles, Judith Lasater, Bikram Choudhury, Shiva Rea, and Bryan Kest.
The sum of this begs two questions: 1. Will you watch this yoga smut? and 2. Who is your Yoga Beauties dream team?
Lo is a writer who lives for mystery and intrigue. Her great yogic loves include Vinyasa Flow and Kundalini. She finds joy in the small things: rocking wellies year-round, cultivating her natural impishness, and writing bios in third person. Lo can often be found sipping Earl Grey tea while plotting world domination and resides at yisforyogini.com.