Whew! What a week. Between the Osama newsquakes, naked protests, and royal wedding rollover, we’re all topsy-turvy. The flagrantly fired-up may find a home in Glower Yoga — in mathematics, multiplying two negatives creates a positive. Those of us who just want to hole up and hide the day away are better suited to practicing Incasa Flow. Thank goodness for yoga’s flavor rainbow.
(If you were hiding out in a cave or perhaps somewhere obvious — like Abbottabad, and missed out, you should really read up on the 10 New Yoga Styles Taking the World By Storm.)
Incasa Flow + Glower Yoga
5. Incasa Flow (in-casa flow; origin: Vinyasa Flow)
a. Common Poses: The Toenail Clipper, Lazyassana, and Chair Pose done in an actual chair.
b. What To Wear: Your pajamas, of course.
c. Benefits: You are free to yoga like no one’s watching…except your creeptastic neighbor.
d. Cautions: Having pets and children in the practice area is akin to creating your own obstacle course. Proceed with trepidation.
e. Beginner’s Tip: Lock the door, pull the shades, and do Shiva’s Trance Dance in your nudie-pants.
f. Props: An all-in-one remote aids finger flexion and extension. Double Dream Hands and Downward Dog will never be the same.
g. Deepen the Pose: A snuggie provides comforting warmth in extended Savasana. Zzzz.
6. Glower Yoga (origin: Power Yoga)
a. Common Poses: Bromukhasana, Suck-It-Up Salutations, ab work, and Brutekatasana.
b. What to Wear: Hammer Pants, Oompa Loompa tan (sets off your yoga muscles), and a fanny pack to hold your malas and Red Bull.
c. Beginner’s Tip: Juicing is optional (no, not fruit or vegetable juice, the OTHER kind). It’s not considered ‘yogic’, but how else are you gonna get yoked, bro?!
d. Anatomical Focus: Testicles. The goal here is spiritual enlargement.
e. Cautions: Child’s Pose and Happy Baby are banned. Grunts are okay, but moaning is never allowed. Crying or sharing feelings gets you kicked out for life.
f. Contraindications: Wussies. Weaklings. People who enjoy Kirtan.
g. Celebrity Practitioners: The dudes from Jersey Shore, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Jillian “don’t phone it in” Michaels.
Part 4 next week. Don’t miss it!
Lo is a writer who lives for mystery and intrigue. Her great loves include Vinyasa Flow and Kundalini. She finds joy in the small things: practicing yoga in wellies, cultivating her natural impishness, and writing bios in third person. Lo can often be found sipping Earl Grey tea while plotting world domination and resides at yisforyogini.com.