If you’ve been living under a pesky pile of paperwork rather than atop your mat, you mayn’t be hip to the 10 hottest new yoga styles. Lucky for you, our five-part series will break it all down into something digestible: a veritable yoga smorgasbord.
Think of these first two styles as the holy yogic grail. They are poised to achieve astounding levels of fanaticism, leaving their foundational counterparts in the dust.
Intro to Ashholetanga + Howmuchlongar:
1. Ashholetanga (ash-hole-tanga; origin: Ashtanga)
a. Common Poses: Hurts-So-Good, Perfectionist Pose, The Punisher, and Rigidasana. Series Ahaha-Let’s-See-You-Make-It-Through-This contains 500 poses done in succession during one bloody, sweaty, teary practice. Wheee! Fun!
b. Anatomical Focus: The chocolate starfish.
c. Benefits: Tightens the anus; increases Type-A tendencies and tyrannism.
d. Contraindications: Betas and n00bs. These b*tches can’t hack it.
e. Beginner’s Tip: Your teacher will be standing by, ready to punch you in the balls/ovaries if you err. So supportive!
f. Deepen the Pose: Add hot coals or a bed of nails.
g. Celebrity Practitioners: Martha Stewart and Kim Jong-il.
2. Howmuchlongar (how-much-longar; origin: Iyengar)
a. Common Poses: Watching-Paint-Dryasana, Somebody-Kill-Me-Now Pose, and a multitude of vanilla standing poses held until your brain boredom-implodes.
b. Benefits: With this as your core practice, long lines and tedious conversations seem like party time!
c. Contraindications: The electronics-dependent and those with ADD will spontaneously combust.
d. Props: Toothpicks (for your eyelids); Heart monitor (to periodically make sure you’re still alive).
e. Variations: Sleeping. Picking your nose.
f. Therapeutic Applications: Learning how to be in the moment without suffering an aneurysm.
g. Celebrity Practitioners: The Jonas Brothers, Taylor Swift, and Justin Bieber. You know, boring people whose rise to stardom is questionable and baffling.
Any questions? Stay tuned for Parts 2…3…4…and 5 of this very serious series.
Lo is a writer who lives for mystery and intrigue. Her great loves include Vinyasa Flow, Kundalini, and any excuse to ape Gumby. She finds joy in the small things: practicing yoga in wellies, cultivating her natural impishness, and writing bios in third person. Lo can often be found sipping Earl Grey tea while plotting world domination and resides at yisforyogini.com.