In a world of constant destruction, be at peace, friends, for there is also creation. Within the world of yoga, we find creativity, originality, and respect for all practices.
10 Freshly Trademarked Yoga Styles:
1. Sevamuckti (seva-muck-ti; origin: Jivamukti) – This is the yoga of dirty service. Zen, cathartic, practical. The toilets at the ashram are warbling your name.
2. Howmuchlongar (how-much-longar; origin: Iyengar) – Poses are held for hours on end. Focus on not dying of boredom or heinous leg cramps.
3. Incasa Flow (in-casa flow; origin: Vinyasa Flow) – Hole up at home and practice to your heart’s content. Favored by hermits and closet trance-dancers. Yoga like no one’s watching.
4. Solooseareya (so-loose-are-ya; origin: Anusara) – Bawdy yoga for the body. This is where heart meets loins. Hip-openers are the foundation of this practice.
5. Kindaloony (kinda-loony; origin: Kundalini) – The yoga of crazy people. Insanity elevated. Panting, chanting, and ecstatic ranting.
6. Ashholetanga (ash-hole-tanga; origin: Ashtanga) – This is where the term “Type-A” originated. The yoga of perfectionists, egomaniacs, and rigid punishers. Do the poses perfectly or get rapped on the knuckles and toes with a bodhi tree switch!
7. Hickram (hick-ram; origin: Bikram) – Yee haw, ya’ll! Certified teachers of this style help you deepen poses by standing on your back riding you like a pony. Expect to walk bow-legged after class.
8. Glower Yoga (origin: Power Yoga) – Broga at its finest. No smiling allowed. Aggro, serious, and mean. 100 poses on each side; only losers take breaks. Small pauses to kiss/admire your own guns.
9. Chin Yoga (origin: Yin Yoga) – Named for the drool-down-the-chin effect. The slothiest, slowest-moving yoga one can imagine. You’ll spend more time on your back than a man/lady of the evening.
10. Vinoyoga (vino-yoga; vino = the Italian and Spanish word for wine; origin: Viniyoga) – The yoga of drunkenness. Tadasana in circles, slurred Sanskrit, and slumpy poses you’ve likely never seen. Practice ends with an extended amount of time in an awkward version of Savasana.