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10 New Yoga Styles Taking the World By Storm

in YD News, YogaHaha

In a world of constant destruction, be at peace, friends, for there is also creation. Within the world of yoga, we find creativity, originality, and respect for all practices.

10 Freshly Trademarked Yoga Styles:

1. Sevamuckti (seva-muck-ti; origin: Jivamukti) – This is the yoga of dirty service. Zen, cathartic, practical. The toilets at the ashram are warbling your name.

2. Howmuchlongar (how-much-longar; origin: Iyengar) – Poses are held for hours on end. Focus on not dying of boredom or heinous leg cramps.

3. Incasa Flow (in-casa flow; origin: Vinyasa Flow) – Hole up at home and practice to your heart’s content. Favored by hermits and closet trance-dancers. Yoga like no one’s watching.

4. Solooseareya (so-loose-are-ya; origin: Anusara) – Bawdy yoga for the body. This is where heart meets loins. Hip-openers are the foundation of this practice.

5. Kindaloony (kinda-loony; origin: Kundalini) – The yoga of crazy people. Insanity elevated. Panting, chanting, and ecstatic ranting.

6. Ashholetanga (ash-hole-tanga; origin: Ashtanga) – This is where the term “Type-A” originated. The yoga of perfectionists, egomaniacs, and rigid punishers. Do the poses perfectly or get rapped on the knuckles and toes with a bodhi tree switch!

7. Hickram (hick-ram; origin: Bikram) – Yee haw, ya’ll! Certified teachers of this style help you deepen poses by standing on your back riding you like a pony. Expect to walk bow-legged after class.

8. Glower Yoga (origin: Power Yoga) – Broga at its finest. No smiling allowed. Aggro, serious, and mean. 100 poses on each side; only losers take breaks. Small pauses to kiss/admire your own guns.

9. Chin Yoga (origin: Yin Yoga) – Named for the drool-down-the-chin effect. The slothiest, slowest-moving yoga one can imagine. You’ll spend more time on your back than a man/lady of the evening.

10. Vinoyoga (vino-yoga; vino = the Italian and Spanish word for wine; origin: Viniyoga) – The yoga of drunkenness. Tadasana in circles, slurred Sanskrit, and slumpy poses you’ve likely never seen. Practice ends with an extended amount of time in an awkward version of Savasana.
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Lo is a writer who lives for mystery and intrigue. Her great loves include Vinyasa Flow and Kundalini. She finds joy in the small things: practicing yoga in wellies, cultivating her natural impishness, and writing bios in third person. Lo can often be found sipping Earl Grey tea while plotting world domination and resides at yisforyogini.com.

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Earlier

20 comments… add one

  • Gotha Yoga: Lots of black eyeliner required, no bright colors allowed, and watch your spikes when you fold yourself into a pretzel. We’re cooler than you and we’ll do yoga our way.

  • some pretty good ones there

    hard to pick a favorite, maybe it’s a moving (mooo-ing?) target ;-)

    my current fav, “6. Ashholetanga”

  • OMGoodness! This is hilarious – I LOOOVVEEE IT!

  • You are on fire Lo!!

  • That is great. At first I thought it was serious and was trying to sound it out. DOH!!!

  • Simply put: Lo Rules.

  • What good fun! Thanks!

  • Tara SG

    Sign me up for Vinoyoga (only if they also play the yoga drinking game)!

    This made my day!! I’m just going to imagine doing Kindaloony to keep the smile on my face at work today :)

  • i practice Kindaloony regularly. :P but you probably knew that.

  • Oh my, I would have to try them all! Can I be the one riding in Hickram? Please? :D

  • only if you bring your riding crop and wear spandex chaps.

  • Lo – you are rocking over here at the Dork – love it!

    Sign me up for the Vinoyoga! The studio I teach at actually has a Vino & Vinyasa class every month at a local winery. We do a few asanas in a beautiful setting and then further our practice with a wine tasting!

  • HALAIR!

  • Chris Eder

    I also call #10 Liquid Yoga. End results are very relaxing.

  • love it when my yin yogis drool down their chin…usually they are also speechless after one of my classes…..

  • Oh shit I’m a total Ashholetangi.

  • Well some of them are pretty funny … some are just sarcastic … but I guess the funny wins.

  • Sign me up for Vinoyoga RIGHT NOW. :) This was great!

  • Vinoyoga
    Common Poses: Drunkassana and Moon Slurrrutations
    Benefits: Everyone, and we mean everyone, is more flexible when snookered.

    Glower Yoga
    What to Wear: Hammer Pants, Oompa Loompa tan (sets off your yoga muscles), and a fanny pack to hold your malas and Red Bull.
    Beginner’s Tip: Juicing is optional (no, not fruit or vegetable juice, the OTHER kind). It’s not considered ‘yogic’, but how else are you gonna get yoked, bro?!
    Anatomical Focus: Testicles. The goal here is spiritual enlargement.

    you are a hilarious GENIUS. seriously, this was freaking awesome. i’d be jealous that i didn’t think of this stuff myself, but i’m too busy laughing my asana off.

  • Satire at its best…hilariously funny and pretty accurate!

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